in which Naomi has a good day

today was a good day...

don't get me wrong, it was full of 'oppurtunities'

but all in all, we had a good day.

the kids and I went for a walk after supper.  well, a walk, bike ride and toy car push

 we stopped at every tree and looked for "squirrel nuts"

we found quite a few

The favorite was a nut we all thought looked like a heart...

(or a pig snout, I suppose)

anyway, we had a nice time.  sydney and elijah raced ahead to each tree, then stopped and walked around it giving kezia and I a chance to catch up.  We talked about the birds we saw, we talked about the noises elijah heard, we took turns deciding which way to turn...it was nice.

we got home and played limbo.

we discovered that doing the limbo is much more fun if you say "liiiiiiimmmmmmmbo" really slowly and in a low voice.

and if you are the right height, you don't even need to duck...just march on through.

elijah decided even if you are not the right height, you can just march on through.

 yes, we had a good day.

mommy loves sydney, elijah and kezia

(cuz mommy pig snouts sydney, elijah and kezia just doesn't make as much sense)

ob la di, ob la da

Life goes on.

That statement is true...of everyone else around you.  When one goes through hard times, it can come as a shock that other's lives still continue on and do not seem to be affected by our hurt, sorrow or loss. 

It can make it difficult to "get back to life" since everyone else around you is now suddenly in a different place than you are.  You've experienced things they never have, you've felt things they may never understand.*  They've continued on...meanwhile it feels as if your life was paused. It makes staying "paused" feel very tempting and easier.
*by this I mean that everyone experiences and processes things differently. an example from my life would be that many women have had miscarriages, but when we lost Corey, that was the first time I had ever lost a child. And if we had lost Kezia, like it seemed was happening, that would have been the first time I ever lost her. Having it happen more often, or knowing that it has happened to many others, does not necessarily lessen the pain.
I was thinking the other day about how life just keeps rolling on, with or without me it seems sometimes.  You can get to feeling like no one knows the whole story, no one understands.  It starts to spiral out of control and it can feel very lonely.

Then I was reminded of these two guys.  They were talking a walk and discussing recent events that had greatly affected their lives.  Another man comes along, sees them deep in discussion and asks them what they are talking about.  They were so shocked, they stopped walking.  They basically ask him how could he NOT know what is going on.  In this case, nearly everyone in their town knew about the events these men were discussing. 
"Are you the only visitor to town?  The only one who does not know the things that have happened these past few days?"
"What things?" came the reply from the stranger.
"The things concerning Jesus from Nazareth!"
Many of you may be familiar with this event, often refered to as The Road to Emmaus, found in Luke 24:13 and following.  This happened on Easter Sunday.  The two men were followers of Jesus, and they were discussing the apparent tragety of the death of their teacher, whom they considered a great prophet and had hoped would be the Messiah who would redeem Israel.  Infact, the man who had come along side them was Jesus himself, resurrected from the dead, but he kept himself from being recognised by them.  The conversation continued with Jesus talking with the two men and explain to them all of scripture regarding himself.  Only later on does he reveal himself to them, their risen Messiah.
These poor men.  They're world had come crashing down around them.  In their explaination of what had happened (vs. 19-24), I always imagine their voices being filled with memories of hope mixed with confusion and doubt.  I wonder if they felt like I have, as if no one really understands what they are feeling or experiencing. 

boy, these "ramblings" always end up longer than I originally plan.  anyway, in all of a few minutes I processed through some the above and began thinking about the irony of these men talking to the "one stranger in town" who knew nothing of what had been going on in their recent lives.  But, the reality was, they were talking to the one person who knew completely what these men were going through and thinking.  In fact, he knew the WHOLE story, things they had no way of knowing or fully comprehending. 

I was reminded of the importance of going to the one who knows the whole story...my story and how it is all working out for His glory.

And so my story continues.  In general, the depression and anxiety are getting a little better; I no longer feel like I am spiraling out of control.  
I've been reading some beautiful verses from the Psalms lately as well.  of course, I don't have my notebook here with me at the moment, but God has really been using some beautiful poetry to remind me of His glory, faithfulness, and sovereignty.  Maybe I'll post some of those soon.

In the meanwhile, if you made it through this, you get the good blog reader award.  :) 

well what do you know....

last night (or was that this morning?) I commented on "needing" the bible to be read to me.  Well, found a great audio bible resource at one  of my husband's favorite websites.  biblegateway.com
here is the audio page.
Of course, this should never replace deeper study, but can be a great opportunity for some words of life while washing the dishes of dread or folding the laundry of the neverending abyss.  :)

I am alive

just a quick note to say...
I am alive!!!

I mentioned how I am dealing with depression and anxiety.  It has been better in general, but there are still plenty of times when it comes over me so strongly.  I'm able to recognize the anxiety or other symptoms of depression and sometimes able to move myself through them, then other times not so much.

I had just finished a great session with a counselor, was really feeling in control, when BAM it hit me again.  hard.  This was about 3 weeks ago.  I remember thinking, I finally felt like I had it in control, and now this?

I don't know if any of you have struggled with depression, anxiety, fill in the blank, but it has been an interesting journey for me.  I've been able to get some help from a counselor...ok fine, I'm going to say it, a psychologist.  I have a very nice, motherly-like woman who I've been seeing once a month and it has been a great time to reflect and process.  I've also seen a psychiatrist and am taking some medication to help with the anxiety.

Getting help in these 2 areas has been wonderful.  In general, I feel much less out of control over my emotions and better able to cope with situations.  Which leads me to the 3rd componant.

The spiritual side.  I've known all along that there are some spiritual issues that also need to be addressed.  These last few weeks have been reinforcing that.  The counseling and the medication have cleared up things enough so I feel I can finally focus on the spiritual areas that need transformation.  (this is not the time or place to discuss all the various "what ifs" or "should haves" concerning my approach for getting help.  I'm sure there are many opinions on the 'proper way' to get 'help', but this has been my journey so far, and believe me, there has been much thought [and anxiety] over my approach to this need in my life.  anyway, carrying on).  Where was I?  Oh yes, focusing on spiritual needs.  *sigh*  It's the constant struggle of knowing what needs to be done or what should be done, and yet still lacking the determination to do it. 

I've been told many times lately that "being aware" is a great first step and is a good sign.  Well, I'm very aware that I'm overweight, but that doesn't seem to have done me a whole lot of good.  (that was supposed to be funny and sarcastic.)  Well, it's been painfully obvious that God is working in this time and in my life and that this will be a time of breakthrough.  I keep praying for God to keep pushing and pulling and breaking me down.  oh it hurts so bad.  but I cry and say don't leave me here God...I'm tired of trusting in myself.  keep on breaking me. break me, take me as far down as I need to go, but only if You will fix me when it is over.  I can't fix myself, even though I keep trying.  break me, then fix me Lord.

Hmm, this was going to be just a quick "hi" then off to bed.  This post is not super well thought out, so forgive any typos or lack of flow. 

I was thinking earlier, about the need for daily time with God.  For whatever reason, I struggle to take the time to read God's word every day.  I was thinking, seriously?  what more do I need?  for someone to read it to me, for it to be poured into my mouth like a drink?  is it really so hard to take time to read the living word?

I think I've posted in the past about God's work and word being our sustinance.  I know it is, yet I am starving myself from it.  I know where the living water can be found, yet I am practically refusing it! 

I think this brings be back around to where I started this post.  The last few weeks have been reinforcing my need to hunger and thirst for God.  I've been trying, rather hard I must say, to get my fill and peace from other areas, and surprise, surprise, they just don't work.

So, if you've made it this far, I'm going to read my bible now.  I'm going to turn to the one whose mercies are new every morning.  I've been staying up crazy late for months now because even though I am utterly exhausted, I did not want to go to sleep, because that meant it would all start over again in the morning.  What a fine example of some excessively flawed thinking.  Hmm, it's after midnight now...are his mercies new every morning or every day?  I think I'll take day for now as it is a new day and a new day that will be started with HIM...then some much needed sleep and hopefully rest.

some reasons

my kids…in all honesty, some of the reasons for my anxiety.  and yet...the reason I want to change and make our life better.



moderate depressive episode.

I like the word episode as opposed to episodes…like a bad reality t.v. series with season after season of…episodes.


I was struggling really hard about 2 months ago. Like wanting to throw the laptop through the window, hard.


But, I am me. I can handle it. I don’t need help.

My version of handling it?  I nearly lost my voice one day from screaming so hard.


Frustration, embarrassment. Anxiety, denial. Anger, guilt.
And the ever popular Pride, destruction.
(oh, how I hate my pride, but that is another post for another time.)


It all came to a head about 7 weeks ago…and again 4 weeks ago.


Now, I’m getting some help. And it is getting better.


I’m sure there will be occasional reruns, but hopefully the 'episode' will fade from sight and I can get on with my own, real, seasons of life.

Comforted - No Small Miracle

We are still pregnant!
(that's the short version...)







the Long Version goes like this:






Fri. Dec. 10...BFP (big fat positive) on a pregnancy test! After months of trying, I had finally decided to trust God with the timing and try not to obsess the timing of our family.   I told Wayne by giving him a christmas snowman family ornament (the kind that you personalize) with a mom, dad and three little snowmen. what! he said, are we pregnant? yup. so excited and so overwhelmed! (it's funny how fast you can switch from we're having a baby! to oh, we need a mini-van, wayne will need to save up his vacation time, I'll have to get some newborn and small diapers, etc.) We had decided to wait until Feb. to tell family...two of the last four christmas's have had baby announcments, so we didn't want them to expect anything.






Wed. Dec. 15...I was giving the kids a bath, when I suddenly realized I was cramping pretty bad. I went to the ER that evening with lots of bleeding and cramps. the ultrasound didn't turn up anything definitive (which was kind of to be expected because we were only about 5 weeks long). Still, all my symptoms indicated a pending miscarriage. I have had one before, and this felt so similar, that I had no doubt in my mind that we were losing the baby. I even lost some rather large clots, again indicating a miscarriage. I went home and was told to come back in a couple days to do some blood work to confirm the pregnancy hormone (called hcg) numbers were going down appropriately. The paperwork I was given gave a diagnose of “Miscarriage Threatened”, but the doctor in the ER said it did not seem that this little baby was going to make it. I knew it was over, it was so like my first miscarriage, I had no doubts in my mind.










Thurs. Dec. 16...By morning my bleeding had nearly stopped, so it seemed that I was still retaining some "products of pregnancy" (love the medical terms, they are so cold). I talked with the doctor and he mentioned the possibility of needing a d&c if my body didn't expell everything naturally.










Fri. Dec. 17...Go in for my bloodwork...my poor veins didn't want to cooperate, so after getting gabbed in both arms, I finally had a finger prick to get some blood. I felt so light headed; I don't do blood or needles well. I heard back later in the afternoon...my hcg levels in the ER on Wed. had been at 3,300ish and my numbers today were 3,500ish...strangely up, but not the doubled numbers it should have been.  Again, signaling a non-viable pregnancy.






Still, I was so confused. Why did my numbers go up? I reasoned maybe since my body was holding on to "pregnancy products" that maybe my numbers kept rising ever so slightly. I again asked about d&c, I didn't need one after my first miscarriage so I was not familiar with the process or how long we could try to wait for my body to figure it out naturally. I was told waiting over the weekend and for a little while would be ok.






I was to go in again on Monday for more blood work. Somewhere in the back of my desperate mind I had been thinking, maybe we were going to have twins and we lost one so the number going up is reflecting pregnancy, but the smaller up is the equaling out between twins. I obviously have no medical background, but I was so confused about the numbers. The funny part was that my doctor, without my mentioning it, brought up the twins thing also, but he also mentioned that in his 20+ years, he had only seen that twice. So, I had to go into the weekend wondering what was going on, but still figured I had miscarried and that I would have to deal with waiting for my body to figure out what had happened and to regulate itself for a while.










Mon. Dec. 20...Went in for blood work; this time we hit a vein right away, thank goodness. I was told that if I didn't hear back from the office by 4, to give a call. I finally had a moment to call, but got an answering service saying that calls made after 4:30 would be answered the following day! DAH! It was 4:29 when I called. Thankfully, a nurse got back to me a little later.






"Your number is 8,000something, which is the kind of number we like to see at this stage of pregnancy; doubling every 2-3 days. The doctor would like you to come in on Wed. so we can do another blood test just to confirm and have an ultrasound to check for a heartbeat."














A what!?! I was thinking, do these people have access to my full chart!?! I’ve had a miscarriage! Err, haven’t I?

“what is going on” I asked, “I thought we had a miscarriage.” Basically, I needed to come in so we could do some more investigation. We told family, whom we had told last Wednesday that we had miscarried, that maybe there was something after all and to please pray. I spent the evening in shock and tried to tell myself not to get too hopeful…that sounds aweful, but I wanted to be happily surprised, not broken down again. I told my husband I was pessimistically optimistic.


“The scheduling department will call you tomorrow to set up appointments for Wed.”










Tues. Dec. 21…There was no way I was going to make it until Wed. to find out what was going on, and Wayne had the day off, so we asked if there were any openings for UltraSound today. After a bit of checking around, we got an appointment at 12:30. Family was a little too far away, and it was too short of notice to ask church friends to watch kiddos, so we all went.





I get on the bed, and the ultrasound begins. The monitor was turned to face the tech., since she would be looking for ridiculously small stuff, I’m sure she needed to concentrate/have easy access to the screen. Wayne hovered over her shoulder, and I kind of gave him a pleading stare down…do you see anything? He nodded. Baby? Again, a nod. Heartbeat? Yes






I was shocked. I finally asked the tech if there was anything in there. Yes! After a few more minutes, she had finished her measurements and swung the screen around. I had decided last Wed., when I saw nothing on the screen, that seeing a little heartbeat and baby on a monitor is probably the best sight in the world during pregnancy. I was right. Baby is little more than a blob with a heartbeat, but it is our blob and we love it to pieces.










I forget the term she used, but the nurse thought that maybe all the bleeding and cramping last Wed. had been from a blood blister formed during implantation that had released.






Whatever the reason for all that bleeding, we have a baby again. 






We have an estimated due date of Aug. 17, 2011.

the God of all comfort

Sorry for the break in posts...I don't know where the time is getting to.

Because I know you all care for our family, I wanted to share with you and ask for your prayers. 

I had another miscarriage this past Wednesday.  We were only about 5 weeks along.  I had just found out a few days before, but was already super excited and dreaming of feeling the kicks and prods I would feel from the inside.  I had already begun making mental lists of all the things I would have to do.

It's amazing how we can know someone for so short a time, yet be completely in love.

I miss you baby.

The next day while listening to our local christian station, I heard the "Q Verse of the Day", 2 Corinthians 1:3-4, and knew I had all I needed,  The God of All Comfort, and that this time would serve a purpose, to comfort others with the same comfort God has given me.

Jesus is my comfort.

Praise

be to the

God and Father

of our Lord

Jesus Christ,

the Father of compassion

and the God of all comfort,

who comforts us in all our troubles,

so that we can comfort those in any trouble

with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

I've got my verse, and my song...

Rescue

We sang this song a lot in college and I always really liked it.

blessed be the name of the Lord

Because we know that you care about us, we wanted you to know that on Aug. 6th, Corey Gabriella passed quickly through our lives. While this may be uncomfortable or upsetting for some, we wanted to take the oppurtunity to give praise and thanks to God for his unfailing love.




July 23rd ultrasound, 9 weeks - lovingly refered to as the blob with a heartbeat


We were thrilled to be pregnant again and were eagerly awaiting Sydney's party this saturday to reveil to family the secret we'd been keeping (we bought a cute dress for sydney that says "I'm the big sister"). On Monday (Aug. 4) we had gone in to the doctor's to follow up on a yeast infection and some minor spotting i'd been having. The ultrasound showed a strong heartbeat and that the baby was measuring up perfectly.
Then, yesterday morning, I woke up at 4:30am to lots of bleeding. I woke Wayne and we headed to the ER. two long hours later, we were finally able to get an ultrasound. we both saw it right away. no heartbeat. within a half hour, the baby passed from my body.
We both cried our eyes out. i had known what was happening, but we were hoping against hope that the baby would pull through, that there would be a heartbeat and that we would be somehow able to fix the problem.
Yet, through the rivers of tears, we both had a sense of overwhelming peace. that is partially why I feel I must tell this. We have to give testimony to our Awesome Lord and Savior.
While we are sad and sometimes cry at what could have been, the enduring love of the Lord has been fresh in our heart and soul. What an awesome God we have! His comfort and peace have upheld us. We can truly say, blessed be the name of the Lord!





Aug. 4 ultrasound, 10 1/2 weeks (head on left side with arm raised up)

We decided to name the baby. We want the baby and this experience to remind us of God and his love for us.
Corey means God's Peace
Gabriella means God is my might
we chose a unisex name for the first name, since we will mostly refer to the baby as Corey, but wayne kept refering to the baby as her, so we opted for a feminine middle name. (it was too early to know the gender, but in heaven, it doesn't matter anyway.)


This song has always had a lot of meaning to us, now it is kind of a theme song.
Blessed be your name
Blessed be your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, Blessed be your name