life's a learning experience

I'm in a class/group-therapy/group-counseling/course/thing. 
It's called Freedom Life Skills.
Trying to explain Life Skills (especially since I've really just begun) is a bit of a challenge, so I've copied a blerb from their page:
The first class is an overview followed by several weeks of what abuse really is and its effects on everyone. Denial, emotions, “dirty fighting”, anger, and tools to resolving conflict are highlights of what is covered. The course then discusses why we do what we do; “life commandments”, “arrested development”, reactive lifestyles, and expectations for the different seasons of life for from multiple family backgrounds. From there, the course covers relationships; shame verses guilt, forgiveness, and communication. The last set of weeks pulls everything together showing us positive models for love; friendship, relationships & intimacy in a healthy family.*
*http://www.freedomlifeskills.org/phase-1.html
It's a 30 week class, 3 hours a week.  It's a lot of information, so I'm thinking of using the blog as a way to process what I'm learning/thinking about.

I guess I'll finish this first introduction to the topic with what I'm hoping to learn and get from the class.

I feel like I can recognize a lot of the things that trigger my anxiety and depression...and anger.  (It's painful and embarrassing to admit that last one.)  However, I am really lacking the skills to cope and work through the problems that trigger me.  I'm hoping to gain some coping skills and techniques.

a bit of an update might be nice

Sooooooo...we meet again.

I'm not sure what it is about me/my personality, but the longer I go between posts, the harder it is to get back at it.  Something about already being late...I'm not even sure, but, for the moment, I'm back....again.

For those who may not know, Wayne is now...Pastor Wayne.  He became the full time senior pastor at our church in July.  It was such a long journey, in a good way, to get here, and he is pretty darn excited about it all.  And pretty darn exhausted as well.  :)  As many of you fellow ministry friends know, ministry is HARD.  Don't get me wrong (I know some church friends read this, so I don't want to give the wrong impression here), this is definitely where God has called Wayne and us.  It's been amazing for me to watch Wayne grow and mature this past year+ as he has first functioned as the interim pastor and then be hired as THE pastor.  I'm falling in love all over again with this man. 

There has been a lot of growing this past summer, and a lot of "hmm, still need to work on that" for myself.  Glancing back at my previous post, I'm still not sure where Real-Naomi-ton is, but I feel like I am making small strides out of Should-be-ville. 


A big step I took this summer was finally working through our miscarriage from 2008.  I met with a local counselor (a lot) and I think I finally let myself feel.  I'm not big on facing problems head on...I'm more of a ignore it and hope it will go away person.  I was very much stuck in the depression phase of the grieving process. 

I had started a baby clothes memory quilt last November.  I had baby clothes still from each of the kid's first year.  I know many people who make baby clothes quilts for the kid, but I know I wouldn't care too much about what baby clothes I wore, (and probably my kids wouldn't either) but I definitely cared about the clothes MY kids wore.  So, each kiddo got a quarter of the quilt, even Corey (the baby we miscarried).  I'll get a close up picture some other time, but this is the whole thing.  It's big!  Wayne and my dad are holding it while standing on steps.  And the backing is their baby receiving blankets, so lots of soft, floppy flannel. 

I finished it just in time for a little memorial service we had for Corey.  It was just Wayne and I, the kids, my parents and his parents.  And the counselor who is also a licensed pastor.  I talked about Corey, the bible verses that spoke to me during the days after losing her, and each of the meanings of all of our kids names.  My dad played Blessed Be Your Name.  It was a nice time, and so wonderful to really have the support of everyone around me. 

Fast forward to today, the depression and anxiety still linger, but, generally speaking, the edge is gone.  There are still bad days.  There are still times of 'what do other people want me to be.' 

Wayne has been preaching on fear recently.  He gave the church an "assignment" to memorize
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart

And do not lean on your own understanding.

In all your ways acknowledge Him,

And He will make your paths straight.

 

and

Philippians 4:6-7

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

And one I've been focusing on on my own:
 “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”  Matthew 11:28-30

Welcome to Should-be-ville

I touched on it a while back.  I've lost me.
I feel like I'm just a shell of the fun, interesting, odd, kwerky person I used to be.
I'm dying in the land of "should be's".
Their motto?  A good mom/wife/person "should be" able to ... fill in the blank.

It was so oppressive over the summer that I started having panic attacks.  Do you know panic attacks are not fun?  Nope, not fun at all!  I had one over a bowl.  A LITERAL BOWL...you know, a dish...you put cereal in it.  Specifically, Wayne putting said bowl into the dishwasher for me.  That gave me a full blown panic attack.  Why?  Because I "should be" able to have handled all this mess on my own, but I didn't, and now my husband had to help me. 

Sounds crazy, right?  This is a whole other post, but knowing that you are reacting in an unnecessary manner, yet being unable to stop...that will send you into a whole new world of nuts.  Not only are you responding irrationally, but you know it...you can see it... but you cannot make it go away.

I had a meeting with a counselor the other day.  It took a whopping one session for him to see that I was lost in the land of should-bes and not "the real Naomi." 

I'm real sick and tired of Should-be-ville, but it's been home for quite a while now.  I'm not sure where Real-Naomi-ton is, but I've got to get out of here. 

I'm attempting to search out what the real Naomi is like.  Not what she does (ie keeps house perfectly or puts together the perfect monthly meal plan), but who she is, the characteristics and qualities she would like to strive for and grow in. 

Most desperately, I want to be REAL.

identity theft

One of the things I struggle with is remembering my identity in Christ.  (this is a link to Freedom in Christ ministries, specifically their "Who I am in Christ" verses.  These are AMAZING by the way.  A very neat ministry and a great set of verses focusing in on three common areas where people struggle.  "I am accpeted, I am secure and I am significant.")
While not literal voices, I definitely have a running track in my head.  Unfortunately, I've allowed it to record junk, so what I hear are things like "failure," "disappointment," "just give up," and "I hate my life."   I often said that (I hate my life) to myself on the hard days.  Even on not so hard days, if I were to be honest. 
I'm finding myself having to work crazy hard and intentional to stop those thoughts when they come along.  I've let them just run so wild and free in my head, that they just pop to the front with very little effort on my part. 
Elijah starts to scream (for the bazillionth time in the last 5 minutes)..."ugh, I hate my life."  Sydney and Elijah get into yet another fight..."grr, I hate my life."  The laundry is still wet after being in the dryer..."dangitall, I hate my life." 
Ridiculous to be that mad over laundry?  That's the point.  I let it go for so long, it's just everywhere all the time ready to tell me lies. 
So, one remedy has been to read the identity verses and listen to Hello my name is, by Matthew West.  The chorus of this song is "Hello, my name is Child of the One True King."  Man, when you really stop to think about that, how can you let words like "failure" and "disappointment" linger!  (actually, yes i do know how. but that is a whole other post). 
Another fun song for me lately has been  We Shine, by Stellar Kart.  It also talks about who we are in Christ (redeemed, free, belonging to Jesus, alive, meant to shine in the world).  And the best part about that is that, then, we get to sing for God, speak with words of love, dance a little wild, becase we belong to JESUS!  We are his possession. (Titus 2:14) (this came on in the car the other day, and Elijah was head banging away...so awesome.)

So, I'm reclaiming my identity. 
Hello, my name is child of the One True King...you can call me Naomi for short.

why the color purple

So, I recently dyed a chunk of my hair purple.  Like, really and purposefully purple.

(it is so much fun, I absolutely love it.  It's a large chunk at the top, but depending on how I comb the part, it came seem like just highlights [top pic] or a huge purple head of hair! [bottom pic].)

I've gotten a lot of positive response, some stunned "wow, that's...neat?" and some "is it permanent?"
A lot of times, the underlying question is, why?
Why? Why not!
I can't say the depression is completely beat, never to be seen again.  I can't say all my problems are gone. 
BUT, I've had so much freedom these last few weeks.  I was able to get some wonderful counseling from an amazing christian counselor in Manitowoc (if you are in the area and need to work through some things, I know who you should call!).  I can't even begin to explain it all.  I was finally able to pin down some of the underlying problems in my life. 
Shame was the big one.  It's like a fog that seeps into every crevice in my life, just permeating everything.  A lot of pain from the past was made even worse from the shame I felt over it.  Shame over letting it consume me still, shame over "letting it happen" in the first place, shame what others might think if they knew the struggles I was still wrestling with.  And even shame that my problems were not "big" problems. 
Shame has kept me from really living my life in recent years.  I remember liking myself for being odd and a bit weird.  I haven't felt like that for a long time.  But I'm starting to again. 
And part of that, for me, has been to get me some purple hair.  It's been something on my mind for a while, and I finally took the plunge...just because I can.  It's a reminder for myself to not be so concerned about what others may or may not be thinking of me. 
It's a reminder for me to listen to the one who made me and loves me. 

Some verses that have been speaking to me lately.
Colossians 1:13-14 and Ephesians 1:3-8

in which Naomi has a good day

today was a good day...

don't get me wrong, it was full of 'oppurtunities'

but all in all, we had a good day.

the kids and I went for a walk after supper.  well, a walk, bike ride and toy car push

 we stopped at every tree and looked for "squirrel nuts"

we found quite a few

The favorite was a nut we all thought looked like a heart...

(or a pig snout, I suppose)

anyway, we had a nice time.  sydney and elijah raced ahead to each tree, then stopped and walked around it giving kezia and I a chance to catch up.  We talked about the birds we saw, we talked about the noises elijah heard, we took turns deciding which way to turn...it was nice.

we got home and played limbo.

we discovered that doing the limbo is much more fun if you say "liiiiiiimmmmmmmbo" really slowly and in a low voice.

and if you are the right height, you don't even need to duck...just march on through.

elijah decided even if you are not the right height, you can just march on through.

 yes, we had a good day.

mommy loves sydney, elijah and kezia

(cuz mommy pig snouts sydney, elijah and kezia just doesn't make as much sense)

ob la di, ob la da

Life goes on.

That statement is true...of everyone else around you.  When one goes through hard times, it can come as a shock that other's lives still continue on and do not seem to be affected by our hurt, sorrow or loss. 

It can make it difficult to "get back to life" since everyone else around you is now suddenly in a different place than you are.  You've experienced things they never have, you've felt things they may never understand.*  They've continued on...meanwhile it feels as if your life was paused. It makes staying "paused" feel very tempting and easier.
*by this I mean that everyone experiences and processes things differently. an example from my life would be that many women have had miscarriages, but when we lost Corey, that was the first time I had ever lost a child. And if we had lost Kezia, like it seemed was happening, that would have been the first time I ever lost her. Having it happen more often, or knowing that it has happened to many others, does not necessarily lessen the pain.
I was thinking the other day about how life just keeps rolling on, with or without me it seems sometimes.  You can get to feeling like no one knows the whole story, no one understands.  It starts to spiral out of control and it can feel very lonely.

Then I was reminded of these two guys.  They were talking a walk and discussing recent events that had greatly affected their lives.  Another man comes along, sees them deep in discussion and asks them what they are talking about.  They were so shocked, they stopped walking.  They basically ask him how could he NOT know what is going on.  In this case, nearly everyone in their town knew about the events these men were discussing. 
"Are you the only visitor to town?  The only one who does not know the things that have happened these past few days?"
"What things?" came the reply from the stranger.
"The things concerning Jesus from Nazareth!"
Many of you may be familiar with this event, often refered to as The Road to Emmaus, found in Luke 24:13 and following.  This happened on Easter Sunday.  The two men were followers of Jesus, and they were discussing the apparent tragety of the death of their teacher, whom they considered a great prophet and had hoped would be the Messiah who would redeem Israel.  Infact, the man who had come along side them was Jesus himself, resurrected from the dead, but he kept himself from being recognised by them.  The conversation continued with Jesus talking with the two men and explain to them all of scripture regarding himself.  Only later on does he reveal himself to them, their risen Messiah.
These poor men.  They're world had come crashing down around them.  In their explaination of what had happened (vs. 19-24), I always imagine their voices being filled with memories of hope mixed with confusion and doubt.  I wonder if they felt like I have, as if no one really understands what they are feeling or experiencing. 

boy, these "ramblings" always end up longer than I originally plan.  anyway, in all of a few minutes I processed through some the above and began thinking about the irony of these men talking to the "one stranger in town" who knew nothing of what had been going on in their recent lives.  But, the reality was, they were talking to the one person who knew completely what these men were going through and thinking.  In fact, he knew the WHOLE story, things they had no way of knowing or fully comprehending. 

I was reminded of the importance of going to the one who knows the whole story...my story and how it is all working out for His glory.

And so my story continues.  In general, the depression and anxiety are getting a little better; I no longer feel like I am spiraling out of control.  
I've been reading some beautiful verses from the Psalms lately as well.  of course, I don't have my notebook here with me at the moment, but God has really been using some beautiful poetry to remind me of His glory, faithfulness, and sovereignty.  Maybe I'll post some of those soon.

In the meanwhile, if you made it through this, you get the good blog reader award.  :) 

well what do you know....

last night (or was that this morning?) I commented on "needing" the bible to be read to me.  Well, found a great audio bible resource at one  of my husband's favorite websites.  biblegateway.com
here is the audio page.
Of course, this should never replace deeper study, but can be a great opportunity for some words of life while washing the dishes of dread or folding the laundry of the neverending abyss.  :)

I am alive

just a quick note to say...
I am alive!!!

I mentioned how I am dealing with depression and anxiety.  It has been better in general, but there are still plenty of times when it comes over me so strongly.  I'm able to recognize the anxiety or other symptoms of depression and sometimes able to move myself through them, then other times not so much.

I had just finished a great session with a counselor, was really feeling in control, when BAM it hit me again.  hard.  This was about 3 weeks ago.  I remember thinking, I finally felt like I had it in control, and now this?

I don't know if any of you have struggled with depression, anxiety, fill in the blank, but it has been an interesting journey for me.  I've been able to get some help from a counselor...ok fine, I'm going to say it, a psychologist.  I have a very nice, motherly-like woman who I've been seeing once a month and it has been a great time to reflect and process.  I've also seen a psychiatrist and am taking some medication to help with the anxiety.

Getting help in these 2 areas has been wonderful.  In general, I feel much less out of control over my emotions and better able to cope with situations.  Which leads me to the 3rd componant.

The spiritual side.  I've known all along that there are some spiritual issues that also need to be addressed.  These last few weeks have been reinforcing that.  The counseling and the medication have cleared up things enough so I feel I can finally focus on the spiritual areas that need transformation.  (this is not the time or place to discuss all the various "what ifs" or "should haves" concerning my approach for getting help.  I'm sure there are many opinions on the 'proper way' to get 'help', but this has been my journey so far, and believe me, there has been much thought [and anxiety] over my approach to this need in my life.  anyway, carrying on).  Where was I?  Oh yes, focusing on spiritual needs.  *sigh*  It's the constant struggle of knowing what needs to be done or what should be done, and yet still lacking the determination to do it. 

I've been told many times lately that "being aware" is a great first step and is a good sign.  Well, I'm very aware that I'm overweight, but that doesn't seem to have done me a whole lot of good.  (that was supposed to be funny and sarcastic.)  Well, it's been painfully obvious that God is working in this time and in my life and that this will be a time of breakthrough.  I keep praying for God to keep pushing and pulling and breaking me down.  oh it hurts so bad.  but I cry and say don't leave me here God...I'm tired of trusting in myself.  keep on breaking me. break me, take me as far down as I need to go, but only if You will fix me when it is over.  I can't fix myself, even though I keep trying.  break me, then fix me Lord.

Hmm, this was going to be just a quick "hi" then off to bed.  This post is not super well thought out, so forgive any typos or lack of flow. 

I was thinking earlier, about the need for daily time with God.  For whatever reason, I struggle to take the time to read God's word every day.  I was thinking, seriously?  what more do I need?  for someone to read it to me, for it to be poured into my mouth like a drink?  is it really so hard to take time to read the living word?

I think I've posted in the past about God's work and word being our sustinance.  I know it is, yet I am starving myself from it.  I know where the living water can be found, yet I am practically refusing it! 

I think this brings be back around to where I started this post.  The last few weeks have been reinforcing my need to hunger and thirst for God.  I've been trying, rather hard I must say, to get my fill and peace from other areas, and surprise, surprise, they just don't work.

So, if you've made it this far, I'm going to read my bible now.  I'm going to turn to the one whose mercies are new every morning.  I've been staying up crazy late for months now because even though I am utterly exhausted, I did not want to go to sleep, because that meant it would all start over again in the morning.  What a fine example of some excessively flawed thinking.  Hmm, it's after midnight now...are his mercies new every morning or every day?  I think I'll take day for now as it is a new day and a new day that will be started with HIM...then some much needed sleep and hopefully rest.

some reasons

my kids…in all honesty, some of the reasons for my anxiety.  and yet...the reason I want to change and make our life better.



moderate depressive episode.

I like the word episode as opposed to episodes…like a bad reality t.v. series with season after season of…episodes.


I was struggling really hard about 2 months ago. Like wanting to throw the laptop through the window, hard.


But, I am me. I can handle it. I don’t need help.

My version of handling it?  I nearly lost my voice one day from screaming so hard.


Frustration, embarrassment. Anxiety, denial. Anger, guilt.
And the ever popular Pride, destruction.
(oh, how I hate my pride, but that is another post for another time.)


It all came to a head about 7 weeks ago…and again 4 weeks ago.


Now, I’m getting some help. And it is getting better.


I’m sure there will be occasional reruns, but hopefully the 'episode' will fade from sight and I can get on with my own, real, seasons of life.