sydney's sidewalk drawing...elijah, sydney, daddy, mommy, kezia

Sunday, December 21, 2014

life's a learning experience

I'm in a class/group-therapy/group-counseling/course/thing. 
It's called Freedom Life Skills.
Trying to explain Life Skills (especially since I've really just begun) is a bit of a challenge, so I've copied a blerb from their page:
The first class is an overview followed by several weeks of what abuse really is and its effects on everyone. Denial, emotions, “dirty fighting”, anger, and tools to resolving conflict are highlights of what is covered. The course then discusses why we do what we do; “life commandments”, “arrested development”, reactive lifestyles, and expectations for the different seasons of life for from multiple family backgrounds. From there, the course covers relationships; shame verses guilt, forgiveness, and communication. The last set of weeks pulls everything together showing us positive models for love; friendship, relationships & intimacy in a healthy family.*
It's a 30 week class, 3 hours a week.  It's a lot of information, so I'm thinking of using the blog as a way to process what I'm learning/thinking about.

I guess I'll finish this first introduction to the topic with what I'm hoping to learn and get from the class.

I feel like I can recognize a lot of the things that trigger my anxiety and depression...and anger.  (It's painful and embarrassing to admit that last one.)  However, I am really lacking the skills to cope and work through the problems that trigger me.  I'm hoping to gain some coping skills and techniques.

Saturday, October 11, 2014

a bit of an update might be nice

Sooooooo...we meet again.

I'm not sure what it is about me/my personality, but the longer I go between posts, the harder it is to get back at it.  Something about already being late...I'm not even sure, but, for the moment, I'm back....again.

For those who may not know, Wayne is now...Pastor Wayne.  He became the full time senior pastor at our church in July.  It was such a long journey, in a good way, to get here, and he is pretty darn excited about it all.  And pretty darn exhausted as well.  :)  As many of you fellow ministry friends know, ministry is HARD.  Don't get me wrong (I know some church friends read this, so I don't want to give the wrong impression here), this is definitely where God has called Wayne and us.  It's been amazing for me to watch Wayne grow and mature this past year+ as he has first functioned as the interim pastor and then be hired as THE pastor.  I'm falling in love all over again with this man. 

There has been a lot of growing this past summer, and a lot of "hmm, still need to work on that" for myself.  Glancing back at my previous post, I'm still not sure where Real-Naomi-ton is, but I feel like I am making small strides out of Should-be-ville. 

A big step I took this summer was finally working through our miscarriage from 2008.  I met with a local counselor (a lot) and I think I finally let myself feel.  I'm not big on facing problems head on...I'm more of a ignore it and hope it will go away person.  I was very much stuck in the depression phase of the grieving process. 

I had started a baby clothes memory quilt last November.  I had baby clothes still from each of the kid's first year.  I know many people who make baby clothes quilts for the kid, but I know I wouldn't care too much about what baby clothes I wore, (and probably my kids wouldn't either) but I definitely cared about the clothes MY kids wore.  So, each kiddo got a quarter of the quilt, even Corey (the baby we miscarried).  I'll get a close up picture some other time, but this is the whole thing.  It's big!  Wayne and my dad are holding it while standing on steps.  And the backing is their baby receiving blankets, so lots of soft, floppy flannel. 

I finished it just in time for a little memorial service we had for Corey.  It was just Wayne and I, the kids, my parents and his parents.  And the counselor who is also a licensed pastor.  I talked about Corey, the bible verses that spoke to me during the days after losing her, and each of the meanings of all of our kids names.  My dad played Blessed Be Your Name.  It was a nice time, and so wonderful to really have the support of everyone around me. 

Fast forward to today, the depression and anxiety still linger, but, generally speaking, the edge is gone.  There are still bad days.  There are still times of 'what do other people want me to be.' 

Wayne has been preaching on fear recently.  He gave the church an "assignment" to memorize
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart
And do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He will make your paths straight.
Philippians 4:6-7
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

And one I've been focusing on on my own:
 “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”  Matthew 11:28-30

Saturday, February 8, 2014

Welcome to Should-be-ville

I touched on it a while back.  I've lost me.
I feel like I'm just a shell of the fun, interesting, odd, kwerky person I used to be.
I'm dying in the land of "should be's".
Their motto?  A good mom/wife/person "should be" able to ... fill in the blank.

It was so oppressive over the summer that I started having panic attacks.  Do you know panic attacks are not fun?  Nope, not fun at all!  I had one over a bowl.  A LITERAL know, a put cereal in it.  Specifically, Wayne putting said bowl into the dishwasher for me.  That gave me a full blown panic attack.  Why?  Because I "should be" able to have handled all this mess on my own, but I didn't, and now my husband had to help me. 

Sounds crazy, right?  This is a whole other post, but knowing that you are reacting in an unnecessary manner, yet being unable to stop...that will send you into a whole new world of nuts.  Not only are you responding irrationally, but you know can see it... but you cannot make it go away.

I had a meeting with a counselor the other day.  It took a whopping one session for him to see that I was lost in the land of should-bes and not "the real Naomi." 

I'm real sick and tired of Should-be-ville, but it's been home for quite a while now.  I'm not sure where Real-Naomi-ton is, but I've got to get out of here. 

I'm attempting to search out what the real Naomi is like.  Not what she does (ie keeps house perfectly or puts together the perfect monthly meal plan), but who she is, the characteristics and qualities she would like to strive for and grow in. 

Most desperately, I want to be REAL.