sydney's sidewalk drawing...elijah, sydney, daddy, mommy, kezia

Saturday, February 8, 2014

Welcome to Should-be-ville

I touched on it a while back.  I've lost me.
I feel like I'm just a shell of the fun, interesting, odd, kwerky person I used to be.
I'm dying in the land of "should be's".
Their motto?  A good mom/wife/person "should be" able to ... fill in the blank.

It was so oppressive over the summer that I started having panic attacks.  Do you know panic attacks are not fun?  Nope, not fun at all!  I had one over a bowl.  A LITERAL know, a put cereal in it.  Specifically, Wayne putting said bowl into the dishwasher for me.  That gave me a full blown panic attack.  Why?  Because I "should be" able to have handled all this mess on my own, but I didn't, and now my husband had to help me. 

Sounds crazy, right?  This is a whole other post, but knowing that you are reacting in an unnecessary manner, yet being unable to stop...that will send you into a whole new world of nuts.  Not only are you responding irrationally, but you know can see it... but you cannot make it go away.

I had a meeting with a counselor the other day.  It took a whopping one session for him to see that I was lost in the land of should-bes and not "the real Naomi." 

I'm real sick and tired of Should-be-ville, but it's been home for quite a while now.  I'm not sure where Real-Naomi-ton is, but I've got to get out of here. 

I'm attempting to search out what the real Naomi is like.  Not what she does (ie keeps house perfectly or puts together the perfect monthly meal plan), but who she is, the characteristics and qualities she would like to strive for and grow in. 

Most desperately, I want to be REAL.