I am alive

just a quick note to say...
I am alive!!!

I mentioned how I am dealing with depression and anxiety.  It has been better in general, but there are still plenty of times when it comes over me so strongly.  I'm able to recognize the anxiety or other symptoms of depression and sometimes able to move myself through them, then other times not so much.

I had just finished a great session with a counselor, was really feeling in control, when BAM it hit me again.  hard.  This was about 3 weeks ago.  I remember thinking, I finally felt like I had it in control, and now this?

I don't know if any of you have struggled with depression, anxiety, fill in the blank, but it has been an interesting journey for me.  I've been able to get some help from a counselor...ok fine, I'm going to say it, a psychologist.  I have a very nice, motherly-like woman who I've been seeing once a month and it has been a great time to reflect and process.  I've also seen a psychiatrist and am taking some medication to help with the anxiety.

Getting help in these 2 areas has been wonderful.  In general, I feel much less out of control over my emotions and better able to cope with situations.  Which leads me to the 3rd componant.

The spiritual side.  I've known all along that there are some spiritual issues that also need to be addressed.  These last few weeks have been reinforcing that.  The counseling and the medication have cleared up things enough so I feel I can finally focus on the spiritual areas that need transformation.  (this is not the time or place to discuss all the various "what ifs" or "should haves" concerning my approach for getting help.  I'm sure there are many opinions on the 'proper way' to get 'help', but this has been my journey so far, and believe me, there has been much thought [and anxiety] over my approach to this need in my life.  anyway, carrying on).  Where was I?  Oh yes, focusing on spiritual needs.  *sigh*  It's the constant struggle of knowing what needs to be done or what should be done, and yet still lacking the determination to do it. 

I've been told many times lately that "being aware" is a great first step and is a good sign.  Well, I'm very aware that I'm overweight, but that doesn't seem to have done me a whole lot of good.  (that was supposed to be funny and sarcastic.)  Well, it's been painfully obvious that God is working in this time and in my life and that this will be a time of breakthrough.  I keep praying for God to keep pushing and pulling and breaking me down.  oh it hurts so bad.  but I cry and say don't leave me here God...I'm tired of trusting in myself.  keep on breaking me. break me, take me as far down as I need to go, but only if You will fix me when it is over.  I can't fix myself, even though I keep trying.  break me, then fix me Lord.

Hmm, this was going to be just a quick "hi" then off to bed.  This post is not super well thought out, so forgive any typos or lack of flow. 

I was thinking earlier, about the need for daily time with God.  For whatever reason, I struggle to take the time to read God's word every day.  I was thinking, seriously?  what more do I need?  for someone to read it to me, for it to be poured into my mouth like a drink?  is it really so hard to take time to read the living word?

I think I've posted in the past about God's work and word being our sustinance.  I know it is, yet I am starving myself from it.  I know where the living water can be found, yet I am practically refusing it! 

I think this brings be back around to where I started this post.  The last few weeks have been reinforcing my need to hunger and thirst for God.  I've been trying, rather hard I must say, to get my fill and peace from other areas, and surprise, surprise, they just don't work.

So, if you've made it this far, I'm going to read my bible now.  I'm going to turn to the one whose mercies are new every morning.  I've been staying up crazy late for months now because even though I am utterly exhausted, I did not want to go to sleep, because that meant it would all start over again in the morning.  What a fine example of some excessively flawed thinking.  Hmm, it's after midnight now...are his mercies new every morning or every day?  I think I'll take day for now as it is a new day and a new day that will be started with HIM...then some much needed sleep and hopefully rest.