I have not posted as much in the last 8 months or so. Most of you know (how many people read this thing anyway? oh well) that Wayne and I had a miscarriage last August (2008). It was just a few days before Sydney's first birthday and we had not told anyone yet about the pregnancy (Except my mom who found out from a doctor's call I got while shopping with her. How does one covertly yet directly answer the preliminary questions of pregnancy? "Yes, I've been missing that[period] for about 7 weeks now. No, I have not experienced any of that [morning sickness/bleeding]. Yes, I will se you then [doctor's appointment]." Not that it was a big deal, it was just funny trying to not let my mom know, but she figured it out anyway.)
I didn't post for a long time because I was sad and missing my baby. Corey was due back in late February (2009).
I know I am rambling on, but I just need to get some things out, I think.
People say a lot of things during a time of tragedy. Some unfortunately are not very helpful or comforting. Some say, "time heals," which is a total lie. only God heals things. And I'm not saying that flipantly or to be deep, it is just the truth. Time only told me that I was "supposed" to be four months pregnant, now six months pregnant, and you would be feeling the baby right now, and only a few more weeks now and you would have had the baby. I'm not sure what percent of that is hormones (which are a beast) or my own selfish self.
I had gone from having ideas of what the right thing to do and think is, to struggling with experiencal knowledge of suffering and battles with self.
While I can hardly compare myself with Job, I often think of his response to learning that all that he loved (his family) and owned (his possesions) had been killed and destroyed. (Job 1:21b) "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away, may the name of the Lord be praised."
Job is not praising God for this current situation (as if it was God's fault or vengence), Job is praising God Himself. Job, like me, doesn't understand what has happened(or why). He only knows that God is still God, and He is good. God is God of the good times and bad times in my life. I only wish I could hold more firmly to that. I even need God's strength to trust in Him!
As I type this, I am 18 weeks pregnant with new our "bundle of joy-to-be". I still cry over Corey and what could have been, and I still struggle to completely trust God and release the past into His hands. However, i do "get by with a little help from my friends." mostly that is my husband wayne who continually points me to the one who loved me first, Jesus.
So, in summary...
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you walk through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior...You are precious and honored in my sight and I love you."
God - Isaiah 43:1b-3a, 4b
God is my Protector, Savior and Friend, not because of me, but because of Him, that is who He is. Thank you God for your unfailing love. You are my solid rock through all the uncertainty in this troubled world.
"The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold." Psalms 18:2