the days are slow, the weeks are fast

and now it is the end of june...that kinda caught me by surprise.

life just keeps on a moving. 

Sydney finished 4K.  She is so excited about going to kindergarten...I'm nervous about putting her on a bus.  Here she is with her 4K teachers.

 Elijah is as talkative as ever...maybe even more so.  He loves playing pretend and we are thrilled that he finally has his own costume (no more dresses for this little man!). 

"I not Elijah, I 'Pider-man!"

and this little peanut is not much of a peanut anymore!  Growing like a weed, Kezia waves and says "hi!"  it is adorable!  here she is a while back at bay beach...getting excited about seeing sydney and elijah on a ride in the background.

And one more for good measure

in which Naomi has a good day

today was a good day...

don't get me wrong, it was full of 'oppurtunities'

but all in all, we had a good day.

the kids and I went for a walk after supper.  well, a walk, bike ride and toy car push

 we stopped at every tree and looked for "squirrel nuts"

we found quite a few

The favorite was a nut we all thought looked like a heart...

(or a pig snout, I suppose)

anyway, we had a nice time.  sydney and elijah raced ahead to each tree, then stopped and walked around it giving kezia and I a chance to catch up.  We talked about the birds we saw, we talked about the noises elijah heard, we took turns deciding which way to turn...it was nice.

we got home and played limbo.

we discovered that doing the limbo is much more fun if you say "liiiiiiimmmmmmmbo" really slowly and in a low voice.

and if you are the right height, you don't even need to duck...just march on through.

elijah decided even if you are not the right height, you can just march on through.

 yes, we had a good day.

mommy loves sydney, elijah and kezia

(cuz mommy pig snouts sydney, elijah and kezia just doesn't make as much sense)

music

Somehow, I think (my) grandpa fletcher would be proud.

Picked this up today at a rummage sale.

18 Chord Silvertone Organ

oh yeah, behold the wonder.

It even came with a few chord books. 

Grandpa Fletcher (my grandpa) was always humming and playing music.  He often played the piano at our home when he lived with us over the winter months.  I remember the piano and organ he had set up in his living room...a larger organ with lots of pretty colored keys.  He played both of them wonderfully and was always singing or humming away to his favorite hymns.

Grandpa would always talk about the songs he would play. 

"Oh Nomey" (as he called me.  he'd always start off with           Hey Nomey, do you know me, Nomey?)

 "Oh Nomey, do you know this song?" 

He'd play a few chords. 

"It was very popular in the 20's." 

"I was born in 1982, grandpa." 

 "Oh.  So, do you know this song?"

Grandpa loved music and loved Jesus.  He passed that on to my dad, who in turn passed it on to me and my siblings.  I am definitely the least musically gifted, but still love music.  I've been wanting a piano for a while now (mostly for the kids to plunk on and see if they show any interest), and when I found this for 5 bucks, I decided it would do the job nicely.

sure, the Bflat chord button wants to stick on occasion,

but who doesn't love a good harmony.

ob la di, ob la da

Life goes on.

That statement is true...of everyone else around you.  When one goes through hard times, it can come as a shock that other's lives still continue on and do not seem to be affected by our hurt, sorrow or loss. 

It can make it difficult to "get back to life" since everyone else around you is now suddenly in a different place than you are.  You've experienced things they never have, you've felt things they may never understand.*  They've continued on...meanwhile it feels as if your life was paused. It makes staying "paused" feel very tempting and easier.
*by this I mean that everyone experiences and processes things differently. an example from my life would be that many women have had miscarriages, but when we lost Corey, that was the first time I had ever lost a child. And if we had lost Kezia, like it seemed was happening, that would have been the first time I ever lost her. Having it happen more often, or knowing that it has happened to many others, does not necessarily lessen the pain.
I was thinking the other day about how life just keeps rolling on, with or without me it seems sometimes.  You can get to feeling like no one knows the whole story, no one understands.  It starts to spiral out of control and it can feel very lonely.

Then I was reminded of these two guys.  They were talking a walk and discussing recent events that had greatly affected their lives.  Another man comes along, sees them deep in discussion and asks them what they are talking about.  They were so shocked, they stopped walking.  They basically ask him how could he NOT know what is going on.  In this case, nearly everyone in their town knew about the events these men were discussing. 
"Are you the only visitor to town?  The only one who does not know the things that have happened these past few days?"
"What things?" came the reply from the stranger.
"The things concerning Jesus from Nazareth!"
Many of you may be familiar with this event, often refered to as The Road to Emmaus, found in Luke 24:13 and following.  This happened on Easter Sunday.  The two men were followers of Jesus, and they were discussing the apparent tragety of the death of their teacher, whom they considered a great prophet and had hoped would be the Messiah who would redeem Israel.  Infact, the man who had come along side them was Jesus himself, resurrected from the dead, but he kept himself from being recognised by them.  The conversation continued with Jesus talking with the two men and explain to them all of scripture regarding himself.  Only later on does he reveal himself to them, their risen Messiah.
These poor men.  They're world had come crashing down around them.  In their explaination of what had happened (vs. 19-24), I always imagine their voices being filled with memories of hope mixed with confusion and doubt.  I wonder if they felt like I have, as if no one really understands what they are feeling or experiencing. 

boy, these "ramblings" always end up longer than I originally plan.  anyway, in all of a few minutes I processed through some the above and began thinking about the irony of these men talking to the "one stranger in town" who knew nothing of what had been going on in their recent lives.  But, the reality was, they were talking to the one person who knew completely what these men were going through and thinking.  In fact, he knew the WHOLE story, things they had no way of knowing or fully comprehending. 

I was reminded of the importance of going to the one who knows the whole story...my story and how it is all working out for His glory.

And so my story continues.  In general, the depression and anxiety are getting a little better; I no longer feel like I am spiraling out of control.  
I've been reading some beautiful verses from the Psalms lately as well.  of course, I don't have my notebook here with me at the moment, but God has really been using some beautiful poetry to remind me of His glory, faithfulness, and sovereignty.  Maybe I'll post some of those soon.

In the meanwhile, if you made it through this, you get the good blog reader award.  :) 

a few random pics

sydney and elijah are all like "love love love"

and kezia is all like "help.me"

Kezia 6 months



well what do you know....

last night (or was that this morning?) I commented on "needing" the bible to be read to me.  Well, found a great audio bible resource at one  of my husband's favorite websites.  biblegateway.com
here is the audio page.
Of course, this should never replace deeper study, but can be a great opportunity for some words of life while washing the dishes of dread or folding the laundry of the neverending abyss.  :)

I am alive

just a quick note to say...
I am alive!!!

I mentioned how I am dealing with depression and anxiety.  It has been better in general, but there are still plenty of times when it comes over me so strongly.  I'm able to recognize the anxiety or other symptoms of depression and sometimes able to move myself through them, then other times not so much.

I had just finished a great session with a counselor, was really feeling in control, when BAM it hit me again.  hard.  This was about 3 weeks ago.  I remember thinking, I finally felt like I had it in control, and now this?

I don't know if any of you have struggled with depression, anxiety, fill in the blank, but it has been an interesting journey for me.  I've been able to get some help from a counselor...ok fine, I'm going to say it, a psychologist.  I have a very nice, motherly-like woman who I've been seeing once a month and it has been a great time to reflect and process.  I've also seen a psychiatrist and am taking some medication to help with the anxiety.

Getting help in these 2 areas has been wonderful.  In general, I feel much less out of control over my emotions and better able to cope with situations.  Which leads me to the 3rd componant.

The spiritual side.  I've known all along that there are some spiritual issues that also need to be addressed.  These last few weeks have been reinforcing that.  The counseling and the medication have cleared up things enough so I feel I can finally focus on the spiritual areas that need transformation.  (this is not the time or place to discuss all the various "what ifs" or "should haves" concerning my approach for getting help.  I'm sure there are many opinions on the 'proper way' to get 'help', but this has been my journey so far, and believe me, there has been much thought [and anxiety] over my approach to this need in my life.  anyway, carrying on).  Where was I?  Oh yes, focusing on spiritual needs.  *sigh*  It's the constant struggle of knowing what needs to be done or what should be done, and yet still lacking the determination to do it. 

I've been told many times lately that "being aware" is a great first step and is a good sign.  Well, I'm very aware that I'm overweight, but that doesn't seem to have done me a whole lot of good.  (that was supposed to be funny and sarcastic.)  Well, it's been painfully obvious that God is working in this time and in my life and that this will be a time of breakthrough.  I keep praying for God to keep pushing and pulling and breaking me down.  oh it hurts so bad.  but I cry and say don't leave me here God...I'm tired of trusting in myself.  keep on breaking me. break me, take me as far down as I need to go, but only if You will fix me when it is over.  I can't fix myself, even though I keep trying.  break me, then fix me Lord.

Hmm, this was going to be just a quick "hi" then off to bed.  This post is not super well thought out, so forgive any typos or lack of flow. 

I was thinking earlier, about the need for daily time with God.  For whatever reason, I struggle to take the time to read God's word every day.  I was thinking, seriously?  what more do I need?  for someone to read it to me, for it to be poured into my mouth like a drink?  is it really so hard to take time to read the living word?

I think I've posted in the past about God's work and word being our sustinance.  I know it is, yet I am starving myself from it.  I know where the living water can be found, yet I am practically refusing it! 

I think this brings be back around to where I started this post.  The last few weeks have been reinforcing my need to hunger and thirst for God.  I've been trying, rather hard I must say, to get my fill and peace from other areas, and surprise, surprise, they just don't work.

So, if you've made it this far, I'm going to read my bible now.  I'm going to turn to the one whose mercies are new every morning.  I've been staying up crazy late for months now because even though I am utterly exhausted, I did not want to go to sleep, because that meant it would all start over again in the morning.  What a fine example of some excessively flawed thinking.  Hmm, it's after midnight now...are his mercies new every morning or every day?  I think I'll take day for now as it is a new day and a new day that will be started with HIM...then some much needed sleep and hopefully rest.