add it to "The List"

I'm addicted to rummage sales.

I know, I've got a few months ahead of me before I can do much about this addiction.

In the meanwhile, I content myself with making "The List" of things I want to make sure and look for over the many stops this coming rummage season.

• bigger size winter jacket for Sydney

fuzzy picture, but Elijah is good for snow pants and has a next size up jacket...check that off

Wait a second.....

what the hey!

hmm...better add

• gender appropriate boots for Elijah

 although, he seems to be rockin' them just fine...

"say what you want...I know I'm cool"



a quick pic

Elijah mooching cheetos off of Grandpa A.

"moore, moore!"

a brief lull

sorry to leave you hanging...all three readers.  :-D

the appointment went well.  Since we are only 11 weeks along, they were not able to hear the heartbeat using the little doppler wand...which was actually a nice bonus because I got to see baby on a small ultrasound machine!!!  What a mover and shaker this kiddo is!!!!  holy cow!  The doc literally could not get a good heartbeat reading because baby was moving and twisting around so much.  Which is fine by me!  I love my active little bean.

Even better is that we are almost out of the first trimester with it's nausea and constant gagging at nothing.  (I cracked some eggs the other day for french toast.  The yolk from one of the eggs touched my finger and I nearly ralphed all over the kitchen counter!)  While I usually have really easy pregnancies, I'm definitely over the nausea.  I find it helps to eat a little something....like every hour on the hour.  Ok, a little something is actually a whole bowl of cereal...or two, or a bagel...or two.  Yeah, I have not stepped on a scale in a few days because I am horrified at the number that may come up.

I still find myself thinking of baby Corey at random times and the what ifs.   But, I am at a better place now.  I acknowledge the feelings and bring them to God....and attempt to leave them there.  Life is crazy, but God is good.

thursday

Thursday we have our first doctor's appointment. 

I can confess...I am nervous.

I feel like there is this battle of ideas inside me. 

We could still miscarry the baby...
this appointment is around the same stage in the pregnancy as when we lost Corey. 
There are no guarentees. 
Don't dwell on the negative...enjoy the pregnancy...
while you have it.

It's not always easy,
I have to remind myself daily, that
GOD IS FAITHFUL
HE IS JUST
HE IS GOOD

He is LOVE

After losing Corey, the story of Job became very meaningful to me.  This song by Casting Crowns, Praise you in this Storm, really speaks to me. 
The opening line always hits me:
"I'd have thought by now, that You would have reached down,
and wiped our tears away. Stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say "Amen" and it's still rainning." 

When God allows trials in our lives, we can easily get discouraged and even frustrated.
Pain seems to us somehow contrary to what we "know" about God.
It somehow seems 'wrong' that God does not immediately right our pains and hurts...especially those we seem to suffer 'unjustly.'
Like Job's friends, we offer cut and dry answers based on our own understanding and perspective.

I want to be like Job...
at the end of it all, God revealed Himself to Job...
all-knowing, awesome and just. 

I hope that, whatever the outcome, I am able to praise God, trust Him and submit to His will.



Then Job replied to the LORD:

"I know that you can do anything, and no one can stop you.
You ask, `Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorance?' It is I. And I was talking about things I did not understand, things far too wonderful for me.
You said, `Listen and I will speak! I have some questions for you, and you must answer them.'
I had heard about you before, but now I have seen you with my own eyes.
I take back everything I said, and I sit in dust and ashes to show my repentance."
job 42:1-6 (NLT)

christmas presents

christmas day...finally posted

the one sydney is most excited about...her little art kit.  complete with crayons, markers, watercolor paints and safety scissors.

Elijah got some trucks to go with a little racetrack from grandma.

the second he got the wrapping off, he started pulling on the cars and yelling, "uck, uck!!" (stuck)

and

the big one-

Sydney's Wall-E Quilt

well, the center panel anyway...it's going to be a twin size blanket when it is all said and done, but between the pregnancy chaos and other christmas planning, I was not able to finish the quilt.  Most of the quilt top is complete, it's just a matter of assembling it.

love me

the pose

the cheeks

the staire

they all say,

you know you love me

lacking personality

ok, so I know our blog has been lacking more personal posts with pictures lately, but I hope to get more up soon.  our computer is a disease-ridden dinosaur and crashes constantly...especially when I try to work with photos.  So, hopefully one of these days, I'll just power through the crashes and get some much needed photos up.

lightbulb moment

We had our main floor bathroom remodeled last year. (Of course, by “we”, I mean “we” hired professionals who knew what they were doing to remodel our bathroom.) One of the many improvements was additional overhead lighting. Of course, being the age of conservation, some sort of energy saving bulb was installed on the main light. Mind you, we are not against energy saving or anything like that, but it was always a bit of a sore point that the bulb took quite a while to “warm up” to be bright enough to be useful, so we would often end up turning on the vanity lights as well.



Well, now many months later, Wayne had a “light bulb moment” on New Year ’s Day when he finally just took out the offending light bulb and replaced it with a brighter style. I came into the bathroom, he threw the switch and said, “It’s my house, I can change things if I want to!”


I don’t know why, but it struck me as kinda meaningful. I started thinking about making changes and just sort of “noodled” from there. (From the book, Men are like Waffles, Women are like Spaghetti, referring to how men and women think differently…men in boxes, each area in its place and separate, and women in long strands that connect and intertwine.) I thought of James 1:23-25 which talks about someone who looks at himself in the mirror, but then immediately “forgets” what he looks like and does not do a thing to fix his appearance. How often am I aware, or even complain, about faults within myself I do not like, yet do nothing to change it…kind of like that dumb light bulb we let irritate us for months on end without doing anything about it.


I don’t want to take this beyond it’s intended meaning, but I found it to be timely and thought I would share with you all. These verses from James are referring specifically to listening and obeying God’s Word, and I don’t know about you, but I find the Bible to be full of instruction in areas I wish to improve; parenting, relationships, godly living, and much more.


What is going on in your life that you are not fixing?






Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it-he will be blessed in what he does. (James 1:23-25)

ultrasound pics from 12/21

ultrasound from 12/21/2010

5w6d...size of a blueberry 

Comforted - No Small Miracle

We are still pregnant!
(that's the short version...)







the Long Version goes like this:






Fri. Dec. 10...BFP (big fat positive) on a pregnancy test! After months of trying, I had finally decided to trust God with the timing and try not to obsess the timing of our family.   I told Wayne by giving him a christmas snowman family ornament (the kind that you personalize) with a mom, dad and three little snowmen. what! he said, are we pregnant? yup. so excited and so overwhelmed! (it's funny how fast you can switch from we're having a baby! to oh, we need a mini-van, wayne will need to save up his vacation time, I'll have to get some newborn and small diapers, etc.) We had decided to wait until Feb. to tell family...two of the last four christmas's have had baby announcments, so we didn't want them to expect anything.






Wed. Dec. 15...I was giving the kids a bath, when I suddenly realized I was cramping pretty bad. I went to the ER that evening with lots of bleeding and cramps. the ultrasound didn't turn up anything definitive (which was kind of to be expected because we were only about 5 weeks long). Still, all my symptoms indicated a pending miscarriage. I have had one before, and this felt so similar, that I had no doubt in my mind that we were losing the baby. I even lost some rather large clots, again indicating a miscarriage. I went home and was told to come back in a couple days to do some blood work to confirm the pregnancy hormone (called hcg) numbers were going down appropriately. The paperwork I was given gave a diagnose of “Miscarriage Threatened”, but the doctor in the ER said it did not seem that this little baby was going to make it. I knew it was over, it was so like my first miscarriage, I had no doubts in my mind.










Thurs. Dec. 16...By morning my bleeding had nearly stopped, so it seemed that I was still retaining some "products of pregnancy" (love the medical terms, they are so cold). I talked with the doctor and he mentioned the possibility of needing a d&c if my body didn't expell everything naturally.










Fri. Dec. 17...Go in for my bloodwork...my poor veins didn't want to cooperate, so after getting gabbed in both arms, I finally had a finger prick to get some blood. I felt so light headed; I don't do blood or needles well. I heard back later in the afternoon...my hcg levels in the ER on Wed. had been at 3,300ish and my numbers today were 3,500ish...strangely up, but not the doubled numbers it should have been.  Again, signaling a non-viable pregnancy.






Still, I was so confused. Why did my numbers go up? I reasoned maybe since my body was holding on to "pregnancy products" that maybe my numbers kept rising ever so slightly. I again asked about d&c, I didn't need one after my first miscarriage so I was not familiar with the process or how long we could try to wait for my body to figure it out naturally. I was told waiting over the weekend and for a little while would be ok.






I was to go in again on Monday for more blood work. Somewhere in the back of my desperate mind I had been thinking, maybe we were going to have twins and we lost one so the number going up is reflecting pregnancy, but the smaller up is the equaling out between twins. I obviously have no medical background, but I was so confused about the numbers. The funny part was that my doctor, without my mentioning it, brought up the twins thing also, but he also mentioned that in his 20+ years, he had only seen that twice. So, I had to go into the weekend wondering what was going on, but still figured I had miscarried and that I would have to deal with waiting for my body to figure out what had happened and to regulate itself for a while.










Mon. Dec. 20...Went in for blood work; this time we hit a vein right away, thank goodness. I was told that if I didn't hear back from the office by 4, to give a call. I finally had a moment to call, but got an answering service saying that calls made after 4:30 would be answered the following day! DAH! It was 4:29 when I called. Thankfully, a nurse got back to me a little later.






"Your number is 8,000something, which is the kind of number we like to see at this stage of pregnancy; doubling every 2-3 days. The doctor would like you to come in on Wed. so we can do another blood test just to confirm and have an ultrasound to check for a heartbeat."














A what!?! I was thinking, do these people have access to my full chart!?! I’ve had a miscarriage! Err, haven’t I?

“what is going on” I asked, “I thought we had a miscarriage.” Basically, I needed to come in so we could do some more investigation. We told family, whom we had told last Wednesday that we had miscarried, that maybe there was something after all and to please pray. I spent the evening in shock and tried to tell myself not to get too hopeful…that sounds aweful, but I wanted to be happily surprised, not broken down again. I told my husband I was pessimistically optimistic.


“The scheduling department will call you tomorrow to set up appointments for Wed.”










Tues. Dec. 21…There was no way I was going to make it until Wed. to find out what was going on, and Wayne had the day off, so we asked if there were any openings for UltraSound today. After a bit of checking around, we got an appointment at 12:30. Family was a little too far away, and it was too short of notice to ask church friends to watch kiddos, so we all went.





I get on the bed, and the ultrasound begins. The monitor was turned to face the tech., since she would be looking for ridiculously small stuff, I’m sure she needed to concentrate/have easy access to the screen. Wayne hovered over her shoulder, and I kind of gave him a pleading stare down…do you see anything? He nodded. Baby? Again, a nod. Heartbeat? Yes






I was shocked. I finally asked the tech if there was anything in there. Yes! After a few more minutes, she had finished her measurements and swung the screen around. I had decided last Wed., when I saw nothing on the screen, that seeing a little heartbeat and baby on a monitor is probably the best sight in the world during pregnancy. I was right. Baby is little more than a blob with a heartbeat, but it is our blob and we love it to pieces.










I forget the term she used, but the nurse thought that maybe all the bleeding and cramping last Wed. had been from a blood blister formed during implantation that had released.






Whatever the reason for all that bleeding, we have a baby again. 






We have an estimated due date of Aug. 17, 2011.

the God of all comfort

Sorry for the break in posts...I don't know where the time is getting to.

Because I know you all care for our family, I wanted to share with you and ask for your prayers. 

I had another miscarriage this past Wednesday.  We were only about 5 weeks along.  I had just found out a few days before, but was already super excited and dreaming of feeling the kicks and prods I would feel from the inside.  I had already begun making mental lists of all the things I would have to do.

It's amazing how we can know someone for so short a time, yet be completely in love.

I miss you baby.

The next day while listening to our local christian station, I heard the "Q Verse of the Day", 2 Corinthians 1:3-4, and knew I had all I needed,  The God of All Comfort, and that this time would serve a purpose, to comfort others with the same comfort God has given me.

Jesus is my comfort.

Praise

be to the

God and Father

of our Lord

Jesus Christ,

the Father of compassion

and the God of all comfort,

who comforts us in all our troubles,

so that we can comfort those in any trouble

with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

I've got my verse, and my song...

Rescue

We sang this song a lot in college and I always really liked it.

foundations

1 Corinthians 3:10-15
But whoever is building on this foundation must be very careful. For no one can lay any other foundation than the one we already have--Jesus Christ. Now anyone who builds on that foundation may use gold, silver, jewels, wood, hay, or straw. But there is going to come a time of testing at the judgment day to see what kind of work each builder has done. Everyone's work will be put through the fire to see whether or not it keeps its value.
If the work survives the fire, that builder will receive a reward. But if the work is burned up, the builder will suffer great loss. The builders themselves will be saved, but like someone escaping through a wall of flames.



Our missionary from missions conference shared the above verse with us this past sunday during his sermon. He told of a new construction building in the country where he works that had been undercontruction most of the four years his family had been there. It was recently discovered to have been constructed improperly and to be unfit for use. This huge, nearly complete building that changed the skyline and was meant to provide jobs and so much more, is useless as it currently stands.
He then shared the above verses.
As Christians, our lives and deeds are built on the foundation of Jesus Christ. Some deeds are like gold, silver and beautiful jewels. Some deeds are wood, hay, and straw. I have a 'sneaking suspicion' that many of my building projects lately have been of staw and hay...not even wood.
I sat in church thinking of how much I didn't want my deeds to be worthless and made of worthless things that have no lasting value. And then I realized I was still thinking of ME! sheesh, I am so messed up and self-centered.
Jesus, be the center, foundation, builder, finisher and completer of my life. Let your name be glorified.

You must remain faithful to the things you have been taught. You know they are true, for you know you can trust those who taught you.
You have been taught the holy Scriptures from childhood, and they have given you the wisdom to receive the salvation that comes by trusting in Christ Jesus.
2 Timothy 3:14-15

inspired by openness

is it ok for christians to struggle?
is it acceptable to be angry, frustrated, hurt, confused? at God?

This life on earth is hard...yet we spend so much time pretending that we've got it together!  God has really been orchestrating events in our lives lately...conversations, sermons, songs, even blogs, to remind us of our need for Him in our daily life as well as our need of fellowwhip with other christians. 
We're not lone ranger christians or superheros with no vulnerabilities. 

A college friend of mine just posted about some of the struggles she has been having and I was so blessed to read it.  While the details differ, I've felt a lot of those same emotions and struggles.  I was inspired by her openness.  For months now, I've been meaning to get more of myself onto the blog, but haven't had a chance.  (Even now, I should be packing for a trip!)   I've never been much of a journal person (except on missions trips), but am hoping that maybe posting more of my thoughts and what I am learning would be good for me and others as well.

I'm not the writer my friend is.  I don't "have it all together" and I often forget to keep God's perspective in my life.  But hopefully, in the next few weeks and months, I'll be able to allow God to work through some of the areas in my life that need serious fixing or replacing and post what I am learning.

One quick area is my need for companionship.  I'm not talking about with my husband (although he is 1 of the 3 most important guys in my life [the others being my son and my father]), I'm talking about fellowship with other christians in the body.  Sunday morning just isn't enough, and I am glad that I am realizing that!  Still not sure what God is working on in this area of my life...what the end results will be, but so far I have been amazingly blessed to have found a few ladies online that I chat with here and there who also understand the significance and need of God in their lives.  The worldly view of self as most important gets really old and discouraging...and impractical when you have little kids!  It is refreshing to remember Jesus first and to learn to let all the other things in life fall into place based on a biblical worldview.



well, that turned out to be rather rambling, but as a female person, I think sometimes I just need to talk it out!

Kill Code

I've got to share this funny story.

Over the summer, Wayne and I hosted a small group bible study called The Truth Project (awesome, by the way).  It references a documentary called Unlocking the Mysteries of Life a few times in some of the segments.  I thought it would be nice to watch this dvd as well and took the kids to the library one day to see if it was available.

I go to the row of computers used for the library catalog.  I type in "Unlocking the Mysteries of Life," the computer begins to whirr and search, then...turned off!  I thought hmm, must have had it's timer run out, or needs to reset.  I go to the next computer down, type in "Unlocking the Mysteries of Life" and again, it begins to search, then turns off!  I think to myself haha, it must be a kill code for the computers...or, it's a conspiracy, they don't want people to know the truth! hahaha.  
I go to the next computer, and I am not lying, it does it again!!!  Upon typing in "Unlocking the Mysteries of Life" the computer just dies!  Holy Cow, it IS a kill code, it IS a conspiracy!  Then I look down in time to see Sydney pushing the power button on the computer's tower which is stored below the computer table.  Good grief...there's a conspiracy all right, it is named Sydney-Trouble-Maker.  I quickly go back, turn all the computers back on, hoping they automatically reboot and go to the right page for catalog search and drag the kiddos to a more inconspicuous location with a library catalog computer, set Sydney on the table top itself so little fingers cannot cause porblems and type in my search words.  whew, the computer lives!!!!    But also does not have the documentary Unlocking the Mysteries of Life.